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ok so the whole fam's been sick as hell for the last couple days, all for diff reasons all at diff times. me and joe got sick at the exact same time but for diff reasons. dad ate something bad, shamaya was drunk and gabby has hysteria which is making her puke like the reast of us. so after joey had puked nonstop for a course of 5 hours, and i couldnt get him to drink anythinf we decided to go to the ER. because your organs kinda fail when youre that dehydrated. they were worried about him, i mean he couldnt even give a blood sample, thats how shrivled up and dry his viens were. mind you im still sick just not throwing up as often, so im thinking im eventually going to get what he has and have to check myself into the hospital. turns out he has some stomach disorder that comes from three of the main things in his life, spicy foods, caffinated drinks, and stress(from his parentals)
and you can see why he'd be stressed out by them, because when i called them to let them know their son was going to the ER they were cold hearted, and his mom was angry she couldnt speak to him but it was because he couldnt talk, and also did not want to talk to her. but i believe it was the right thing to tell them about thier own son. then when jean asked if he wanted her/them to come he said he wasnt going to talk to anyone he was too sick to deal with that shit. and so she hung up on me saying she had nothing more to do with this, then. see here i am trying like all hell, trying like everyone says im not, and im getting cold shouldered and hung the fuck up on. fuck that. so once we leave, joe is alive to say the least, were at a 24hr walgreens and im inside getting his meds. my dad says i should call them one last time, even if to leave a message, so they dont anguish all night over whether their son is ok or dying or whatever. i mention that jean said she had nothing to do with it now so why should i care i already tried to do my best ect. you know why should i call them back after they hang up on me. fuck em let them stew, let them wonder let them anguish till they see him randomly somewhere and actually know hes alive. but no. my dad was right, i had to put that aside and do the right thing. so i call up again and leave a message. but then trish picks up the phone and almost starts bitching me out untill i let her know he bro was in the er. she asks if he's still there. no, i say, hes ok now im calling so your parents dont worry all night, wondering if he is ok or not. "well if hes ok couldnt it have waited till morning?" thats it, the last straw. "ok then, goodbye" and i hang up on that mean coldhearted sad excuse for a human being. and i pray. i pray to god to save thier souls and mine for the vile things i want to do to them. to so blatently NOT CARE for thier own son! and after all the drama they put me thru. getting everyone to tell me how much they love him care about him, miss him. its all a crock. they dont really care. at all! im in shock. because they spent all this time trying to make me look bad, like i kidnapped him or something, and how they needed thier little lamb back at home to complete thier perfect family facade. all for naught. because you dont slander me and make me look like a cold and controlling bitch who forced joey to move out, and then turn the other cheeck in his time of need. WHAT IF HE WAS REALLY SICK OR DYING? god fucking forbid. but what would they do then? you shouldnt care if he doesnt want you there. you come anyway. you shouldnt care if it will be akward having me in the room, or akward since he wont speak to you. you come anyway because its his time of fucking need. all they did was give him one more example of abandonment to use against them the next time someone says "oh joey you should make peace with your family, they love you" its all a lie. a dirty rotten lie. and i dare you to prove me wrong when i say that. anybody, i dare you
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Torn between the living and the dead.
The gore of Rorschach splatters predict my future. Wrist deep in rotten innards. Cruelty and time is all I have. And all to be spent with death's silky cloak about me. Coagulated blood crusted beneath my fingernails, forever fermenting my sense of smell. I long for the carnage of murder, the frosted stillness of death. To feel their cold marble skin, blue bruised veins hardened to the touch. the last beat of their hearts framed forever in their eyes. Oh, to be the last person to see those glassy orbs before I remove them and sew the lids shut. I thrive on final thoughts as you leave this earth, fierce images scattered in your head. Alone in the darkness knowing your Christ lied to you, while I remain bathed in the blood of still beating organs. A pandemic of lust, elixir of sacred blood, mutilated Eden, bodies lay in vomit. While cold metallic instruments of death are thrust into each orifice. Carefully I pry all life force from the veins. Atop my catafalque throne of marble, I sit in all my fury. Becoming death's whore, forested in thorns, bleeding for a better cause. I trust no one but Satan to save my curs..ed soul. All my dreams are of death.
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i cut myself to your music for so long.
and now that guy is dead.
sorry Hawthorne heights.
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| 2008-08-25 13:57 |
| woot |
| Public |
 chipper |
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haha its been a while since ive signed on
i was just lurking this one girls lj and i sorta hope she lurks mine too
the last time she knew i had an lj is when she totally bashed me thinking i wouldnt see it
she actually has a lot of entries in which she talks badly of me. oh well
so anyways my loverly husband joe moved in with me
im happy to be with him more often
and he has a job too so thats good
we have a lil mouse family and they are so cute
eve is white with black spots and her husband nergal is all black
there are 8 babies, five black three white with black spots
summers over and i havent started college yet neither has joe.
we dont really want to at the moment but im sure we'll get around to it
anyway thats my updated life, my 3 yr anny is soon and i say hah! to anyone who doubted our relationship
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So yea, as of april 25th
i am oficially 18!!!!!
i had a wonderful day with joey
who cared for me and held me thru
so much during the last three years.
it was amaziing!
then today i went to the B&N with
my close friends and my love joe
of course.
we hung out, played scrabble,
read dirty jokes, laughed
ate, drank had a great time
then we went to the mall
had a snack, chilled, looked
at cd's and then headed to my
house. we ate pizza
watched family guy, played
guitar. adriana had to leave early
which sucked cuz she
totally missed an awesome cake
but i said we all have to hang out again
another time and ill make the cake myself.
so we watched superbad, exept
in the middle of that, alex and kyle
had to leave. :[
aww i miss everyone already
but me joe and dan finished off superbad
talked a little, dan helped me clean up
then they went home.
all in all it was a really great day and
i wouldnt have wanted it to be any other way
i had a lot of fun and felt really loved
by all the people i care about.
i really dont know where id be
without all my friends by my side
especially during hard times
these guys are the ones who have been
thru everything with me.
thanks guys youre awesome!!!!!
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so yea. i havent written since i got back together with joe
and you know what? it really is better now.
we have an amazing relationship. we care about eachother,
take care of eachother and we both are genuinely in love!
ahh swept away in the throws of young love!
weve really worked on trust support and my ocd anxiety disorders
yea ive really gotten better too
im trying really hard and suceeding in making my babe the
happiest guy on earth. we can totally tell eachother everything
and we can hang out like best friends. we dont always have
to be making out. we spend so much time together
its great. ive never been so happy. i mean, this guy is so drop dead gorgeous
i have to hold back tears when i look into his eyes.
he really is amazing and he understands loves and supports me
he overlooks my physical flaws and helps me work through
emotional ones. im just so in love, and completely ready to marry this kid
we plan to move away someday and get a place of our own
witha morgage and property tax and car insurence. haha
im so over the whole monster in law thing
ive realized that like death, we are inevitable,
and everyone eventually has to accept inevitability
and that helps me too becaus enot letting his mom effect
me helps me to be a happier person. its really great
even when his sister gangs up her friends and
prank calls me in the middle of the night
doesnt phaze me anymore. im so chill dood
ive stopped and smelled the roses and watched the sunset
and fallen deeply in love with a boy who i need to appreciate
at all times. and i vowed to love and cherish and care for him
we might as well already be married. because we
can see the beauty in the world and in eachother
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| 2008-02-25 20:06 |
| phew! |
| Public |
 jubilant |
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its been a long hard haul the last two weeks
hopefully everything really does only get better
from here.
happy to say im happy to stay
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living in the sam dirty house
in the same dirty neighborhood
drinking the same dirty water
the rusty driveway the dingy carpets
youre all hypocrites
youd like to say youre worth
something but youre
just not
worth it
not my words or my hate or my
pain or my love
im not giving it away because of you
theres a witch
waiting, watching
she wants me dead i kno
but ill get her first with wit
and words
the pen is mightier then the sword
and either way i have both
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| 2008-02-04 16:15 |
| omg awesome news |
| Public |
 giddy |
| The Sermon To The Hypocrites by Behemoth |
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my friend is pregnant!!!
i think its so great
but she doesnt know if she wants to keep it
when she told me i stopped in my tracks
i mean i was shocked. i was so happy for her
and then i asked if she was going to get rid of it
and she doesnt really know yet.
just imagine! wed have a baby shower and
give her lots of love and hugs and stuff.
plus she said she was thinking about naming the baby with a
a name similer to mine. how cool and honorable would that be?!?!?!?
i think itd be so cool if she kept her and her bf's
love child.she has suport of her parents and
shes a really good friend of mine and i
am here to support her through whatever she needs to do
i mean its just so crazy that shes not much older then me and I
could be pregnant in a few years. if me and joe want to wind up having kids
i know we'd be good parents. for one were both a great support system and we
would be able to work together to raise our kids
and if we ever need to kno what not to do we'll just
look back at all the crap our parents put us thru
anyway im so happy for my friend and i want her to know
that if she keeps her baby i will support her in any way i can
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man i have the hiccups bad
they wont stop for anything
anyway its been a bit stressful around here
i have to start my online class on mon
and wed we have new classes
for me that includes ceramics II
its like an honor art class
anatomy and phisiology
archictecture and design
and classical literature
so thatll be fun along with eng 2 at home
ugh. and finals were this week
but now its a 5 day wekend
right after winter break!
so its rugby games and barnes and nobles and lots of fun for me
and joey of course. because were always together it seems
well we have to work really hard at it
but ohmygosh its worth all the bullshit because
I LOVE HIM
wheeeeeeee!!!!
well my washer is broken so i have to go hand wash some clothes
in order to not smell bad this fine weekend!
peace
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The Divine Comedy.
An inspiring book considered by many one of the most important pieces of literature one could read.
The writer of this book, Dante Alighieri was a spiritual
guru and global influence. His book has entirely revised the making of fictional realms in literature. He spent most of his life traveling, which would explain his main characters' constsant wondering. Dante was born in 1265 to Belle Delgli Abati snd Alighiero II, in Florentine, Italy.
his mother died when he was seven and his father died in theearly 1280s. Dante's father figure after that was a polition named Brunetto Latini. Although apparently he was not a good father figure, seeing as dante places him in the seventh cirlce which is reserved for those guilty of "violence against nature"including acts such as sodomy When Dante was 12 he was betrothed to Gemma Donati, but he had already fallen in love with Beatrice Portinari.
Beatrice was dante's inspiration, his muse; and although Gemma was never mentioned in his writings, poems dedicated to Beatrice often appeared in his works. Including the book, LA VITA NUOVA which celebrated the concept of "courtly love" and esteeming women, as Dante felt was appropriate for Beatrice.
He was married to Gemma in 1285 sad to know that Beatrice had married another, Simone Dei Bardi, in 1287. In 1289, Dante joined the Forentine army and faught in the battle of Arentines. He became a political figure, becoming a part of the party known as Bianchi Guelphs, and the Guild of Apothecaries. These positions allowed him to gain access to public office. hence he served on commitiesand served ambassador to San Gimignano in 1300 and on to Rome. in June of that year he became a prior and was then alloted the position of roads and road repair superintendent. Unfortunately when the Neri Guelphs surpassed the power of the Bianchi, they were condemned to exile; and death if seen in florence again. Dante's wife Gemma, along with his two sons and two daughters did not come with him when exiled. During the exile when he writes "The Divine Comedy", he constantly looks down on the popes involved with politics. He belived there should be one soul ruler, an emporer who lived independant of the pope. Since the two were coresponding powers,commanded by god to fulfill the dutys assigned to him. These views were exposed in the latin tretise, Monarchia; furthering the dislike of his views the papal community.
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a tear on his face
i could only be so lucky
as to have been
conceived in his heart,
born in his eyes,
live on his cheeks,
and die at his lips.
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well the best days of my life so far
have happened during this break
ive worked really hard on my attitude and controlling
my anger. ive worked even harder on relentlessly loving
joey and keeping up on our relationship
hes really great. he knows me so damn well
i really dont think i can live without him
thats why i think i go crazy if he ditches out on me
or doesnt call for 12 hours for no reason
but its worth it in the end because
i always wind up at his side
no matter how hard or controvercial
were together.
and i really dont think anyone can change that
so heres to a wonderful break joey
i had the time of my life thanks to you
oh also happy anniversary
yay almost 30 months
woo thats what i call commitment
i feel bad for anyone who can say thay havent felt so
wonderfully in love and at peace and soulmated
with another human. so if you havent had a boyfriend yet
or girlfriend, get one its so worth it
not for the sex or the title or other petty
reasons people date, but for the ecstacy
and euphoria of the truest purest
undying love. thats what its about
thats what enables us to go thru
so much and still be together
no matter who or what keeps
trying to tear us apart
it only makes us stronger
its always worth it especially
just to see him smile!
ahhh love
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| 2008-01-03 23:27 |
| mow |
| Public |
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today i laughed more then i have in
a long time. i had so much fun
me and joe met up this morning and went to the library to chill
then we went to barnes and noble ate jalepeno
pretzels and mocha coffies.
it was the best day in a long time
i love you joey you are definately my sunshine
angel
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| 2008-01-02 02:47 |
| HEYHEY |
| Public |
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Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you
imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children,maybe
you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it's worth.
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woot
its new years
yay
im happy with 2007 for the most part
i went through allot of sheet
but it was worth it
somehow i know its all going to be better
this year
it will be great
i love joey
thought id throw that in there
hes spending the night here with me alana
and seantay although were not actually sleeping
[no pervy thoughts allowed]
hooray for 4 12 packs of coco cola
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee
so heres to the new year
cheers
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FUCK i love joey so much
i dont care what he has done
the little things, little grievences
its in the past
but he is always fighting this battle
and he fights it for ME
our love is so pure and perfect
although we piss eachother off
fight and piss and moan
and complain
we counter act it just enough to
be cute.
he is the best.
no one would fight this hard and this long for me
my mother gave up on me long before joey did
my father gave up on me before joey did
joey is my life my heart my sou my other half
my love my heaven my earth and cosmos
hes the light always shining through the clouds
just enough to look godly and angelic
hes my angel
a gaurdian angel
he takes care of me he fights with me
for me and next to me
we share everything
our stress our problems our food and drinks
we pop eachothers pimples
and stick our tounges up eachothers noses
he smells my feet and makes fun of them
if they smell and i smell his armpits and go "MMMMM"
just to mess with him
he's impecably clean and polite
but never on time
and im presise and aggressive
but terribly vulger
i push his buttons
and he loves me anyway
i love him so much i dont care who knows
that i love him
i give him my heart and soul and vows of love
everyday.
i will marry him bear his children and die holding his hand
i want everyone to know
this is how much i love joey rawls no matter what who or how
and i always will
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well nothing turned out the way i thought it would
joey wound up not coming over at all
he didnt even call me until 930 at night
at that point it was all i could do not to freakin
curse him out. i mean he sure does try to counteract
all the good stuff he does with shitty stuff
all these promises he made
hell come over hell cal
he said hed come before the party
then he said hed have to come after
then he never came
he got home and never called
and he left my presents at his aunts house
yea it was a breaking point for me
of course when i tell him im friggin pissed
and sad and blahblahblah
he tries to turn it around on me saying im pissing him off or w/e
so i stopped asking for his time his calls and his gifts
well i never ask for material items but i never fought them either because
i love buying him cool shit and he doesnt say "oh nooooo you shouldnt"
so i dont either.
any way. now we are sorta cool
were working out our issues like couples should do rather then
fight and curse. i just wish i could call him
its been 5 months since ive dialed his number
bummer. it kinda sucks when you cant call your bf of 2 1/2 years
i wish his mum would get over it
even i have lapses in my hatred. haha
today i saw a froggy thing and i said hey yer mum would like that
without thinking. it was all woah
im trying to let go of my grudges, stop talkin shit and just be happy
joey deserves it because with the way his mom is
he cant have me being bitchy
i mean i have my own problems
heath family and otherwise
im not letting his family get the best of me anymore
im letting anyone affect me.
if you say or do something i dont like
im exing you from my life. thats it no more
im not talking or associating with you.
grr my ac is broken and im being bitten by mosqeetos
and its 3 days after xmas and i still havent gotten any presents. mow :[
w/e imma go lounge around and mope
peas
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| 2007-12-24 08:59 |
| ugh |
| Public |
 anxious |
|
its too early for me to be up
but i think joe is getting up early to come over for a
while. yay we get to hang out before the party
ew hes going to church. which i could go if i wanted
babies to scream volcanoes to erupt and the
antichrist to hatch from a chicken egg laid by a toad
basically it wouldnt be a good idea.
on ze bright side, i will be seeing him on xmas
yaay. i can give him his gifts and we can be on out merry way
done withthis wretched holiday for yet another year.
last year christmas made me so excited
and happy and at peace.
this year its anxiety attacks, bad mood
trouble with the bf. cuz i dont want to be alone
in his house of discriminating jews
and he promised when xmas is over,
everything goes back to normal
and i have prolly till easter before
i need to feel this low
i mean i was so depressed. eversince thanksgiving
ive been in a slump. a really mopey poopey mood
i cant wait for us to get out! then well
be freakin poor but at least
we can celebrate what holidays we
want with who we want!
and we will be a happy family. not a torn apart
ragged filthy excuse for one. our friends will be invited
not excluded. and if the rents want to show up
its cool as long as they keep their tudes and
feudes to themselves. i just want to
get a long with people
i hate fighting and being nasty
and being treated like dirt
its no fun and i guess the only
person who can judge
those people is god. i dont have a right to.
cuz ive done some bad shit in my life.
but ive made up for it.
no i didnt confess my sins in the box.
jew have to live with their sins
everything gets shown to god when we go up.
but i made peacce with myself.
everyone else snap the fingers say a hail mary
and your sins are hidden from god.
but i think if you fill youself up with sin
pretty soon there will be nowhere to
put anything good or bad
and god will be forced to see who you
really are, even if he tried to forgive you.
i dunno but i just want a good peaceful life.
i get anxiety to easily and i
dont want to die of a heart attack at age
25 because joe insists on inviting
her to our wedding. they have demeaned
me and sunk me as low as they could.
ive had to sit outside their house like a dog.
wait hours on end and sometimes a day before
i can hear from joe because i cant call.
i dont want to send anything because im afraid she'll burn it
or throw it out. i mean i wanted joe to have
something under the christmas tree from me
i wanted to go to mass like last year. it was
so peaceful. i really felt comfortable in church.
like jesus was all "everythings going to be fine.
dont worry.." thats how good it was
but i guess i dont deserve jesus. because people
keep trying to stop me believing in him
and eventually i give up. its too much stress to go
to church cuz who knows she might be there
oh my god. god forbid ellie from being in the
only church she knows with her boyfriend
god forbid she let anyone see her face. how
dare she! lets fucking kill the jewgirl
eww get her out of our church ewwwww.
immature freaking people
i dont want to get worked up. im going to have
to make the best of this even if his
parents and my parent(s) are miserable
sad excuses for humans
and will be alone without their children,
who should be beloved but arent
we are treated like scum in our own homes.
we are going to get the hell out
and we are going to make it
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loved